Computer Terms Proper Diskette Usage and Care
Computer Industry Acronyms Things Computers Can Do In Movies
If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers Murphy's Laws Of Computing
Top Ten Signs that you are "Webbed Out" Axioms For The Internet Age
15 Symptoms Of Internet Dependency Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)
Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch Top 10 Reasons Computers Must Be Male
Tech Support Hell Useful Metric Conversions
Lou's First Computer New Messages Microsoft Windows



 
 




Top Ten Signs that you are "Webbed Out"

10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 3.0" on one of the clouds.

7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

5. You are diving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Web page

2. So does your hamster.

.... And the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:

When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages


Proper Diskette Usage and Care

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the innermechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photocopy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

Diskettes should not be removed or inserted into the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with Scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading...

You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to unthaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.

"Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.

You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command FORMAT/U, or alternately by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.

Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.

Make sure you label your data. Staples are good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.




Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.

"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."

Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued.



Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter



15 SYMPTOMS OF INTERNET DEPENDENCY
(join us in the war on internet addiction, just say NO!!!)

1. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR E-MAIL TODAY?

2. HOW OFTEN DO YOU WONDER WHO'S WRITTEN YOU ON E-MAIL?

3. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ASK OTHER PEOPLE TO USE THEIR TERMINALS TO CHECK YOUR E-MAIL?

4. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ASK PEOPLE TO SEND YOU E-MAIL?

5. HOW OFTEN DO YOU SEND E-MAIL TO SOMEONE WHO LIVES RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO YOU? OR IS IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU? SOMEONE YOU SEE EVERYDAY?

6. DO YOU SEARCH YOUR ADDRESS BOOK FOR SOMEONE NEW TO E-MAIL THAT YOU BARELY KNOW? OR DON'T KNOW AT ALL?

7. DO YOU GET MORE EXCITED WHEN SOMEONE E-MAILS YOU, RATHER THAN WRITING A LETTER OR CALLING BY PHONE?

8. HAVE YOU EVER E-MAILED SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW, AND HAVE NEVER EVEN SEEN BEFORE, JUST TO MAKE SOME SMART-ASS COMMENT AND SEE IF YOU GET A RESPONSE?

9. DO YOU SPEND FRIDAY OR SATURDAY NIGHTS IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN ON E-MAIL OR THE INTERNET?

10. DO YOU CALL PEOPLE JUST TO GET THEIR E-MAIL ADDRESS, AND THEN HANG UP, ONLY TO E-MAIL THEM IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS.

11. DO YOU HAVE OTHER PEOPLE E-MAIL PEOPLE YOU'VE E-MAILED JUST TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO GET ON THEIR ASSES AND E-MAIL YOU BACK?

12. DO YOU WRITE SENSELESS THINGS ON E-MAIL LATE AT NIGHT OR IN THE DAY AND SEND THEM TO FRIENDS JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT?

13. DO YOU CALL PEOPLE JUST TO TELL THEM YOU E-MAILED THEM, AND THEN HANG-UP SO THEY CAN READ THEIR E-MAIL, AND HOPEFULLY RESPOND?

14. DOES E-MAIL AND THE INTERNET DISTRACT YOU FROM OBLIGATIONS AND TIME SPENT WITH LOVED ONES?

15. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF SITTING IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN WONDERING WHAT NEW, SCREWED UP TYPES OF THINGS YOU CAN PUT ON THE INTERNET (i.e.; pictures out of words and punctuation marks, or smart-ass quizzes like this?)

IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THESE PROBLEMS, GET YOU ASS AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER SCREEN AND TAKE A LONG WALK!!! YOU'RE PATHETIC!!!! YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH THIS WHOLE E-MAIL THING, AND ARE ADDICTED TO MODERN TECHNOLOGY, HAVING YOUR MIND, AND VOICE SUCKED OUT OF YOU. DO YOU EVEN INTERACT WITH PEOPLE ANYMORE? BE CAREFUL, STOPPING COLD TURKEY CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS-SERIOUS WITHDRAWALS CAN OCCUR, LEAVING A PERSON TWITCHING, AND TYPING INTO THIN AIR, SENSELESSLY MUMBLING ADDRESSES AND PASSWORDS THAT HAVE BEEN CHANGED. PLEASE GO SEE SOMEONE ABOUT THIS PROBLEM. ADDICTION TO THE INTERNET IS SERIOUS, AND CAN BE AS THREATENING AS ALCOHOL OR DRUG ADDICTION. IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAS AN INTERNET DEPENDENCY, PLEASE CONTACT SOME PROFESSIONALS AT E-MAIL:




MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.




Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch(tm)



Computer Terms . . . What they really mean!


Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.

Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts:

  • the case
  • the jammed paper tray
  • and the blinking red light.
Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.




Computer Industry Acronyms . . . and what they really mean!



THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES
Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

Movie characters never make typing mistakes.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.***Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.

You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes.
Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't
go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate
the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)

All computer panels have operate on thousands of volts and have explosive
devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright
flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that
causes you to jump backwards.

People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the
data.

A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the
world by guessing the secret password in two tries.

You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE"
function. (See "Demolition Man".)

Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes
for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24
hours, 365 days a year without a reset.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to
transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control
panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.

If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also
disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").

If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a
password when you insert it.

Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the
manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)

Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all
software is usable on any platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See
"Aliens".)

Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because
the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.

Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and
performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it
projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".)

Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no
matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise
searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are
returned.)



New Messages For Microsoft Windows

1. Enter any 11-digit number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no,No,NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name!  Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows sesssion.  Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file!  Format drive now  ( y/y ) "
7. This is a message from God Gates: " Rebooting the world.Please log off"
8. BREAKFAST.SYS  halted....Cereal port not responding.
9. To shut down your system, type " WIN".
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found.  Should I fake it? ( Y/N  )
12.Runtime error 6D at417A:32CF: Incompetant user.
13.Error reading FAT record:  Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N )
14.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found.  Use backup.  ( Pencil & Paper )
15. User Error:  Replace User.
16. Windows Virus Scan 1.0-  " Windows found: Remove (Y/Y)
17. Your Hard Drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
       been deleted.  The police are on the way.



AXIOMS FOR THE INTERNET AGE

            1.  Home is where you hang your @
            2.  The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
            3.  A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
            4.  You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
            5.  Great groups from little icons grow.
            6.  Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
            7.  C:\is the root of all directories.
            8.  Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
            9.  Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
            10. The modem is the message.
            11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
            12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
            13. A chat has nine lives.
            14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
            15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
            16. What boots up must come down.
            17. Windows will never cease.
            18. In Gates we trust.
            19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
            20. Modulation in all things.
            21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
            22. There's no place like home.com
            23. Know what to expect before you connect.
            24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
            25. Speed thrills.
            26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and
                  he won't bother you for weeks.




If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers --but imagine if they did...

***********************************************************
HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER:  "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine?  How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

***********************************************************
HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER:  "Huh?  How do I know?"

HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER:  "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE:  "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER:  "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE:  "A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER:  "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L', "E", "T".

HELPLINE:  "No, no, no sir!  That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER:  "That steering wheel thingy--Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"

HELPLINE:  "Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER:  "The needle's pointing to 'E'.  What does that mean?"

HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline.  You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER:  "What?  I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

***********************************************************
HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"

HELPLINE:  "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER:  "Misuse it?  I was just following this damned manual of yours.  It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal.  That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed."

HELPLINE:  "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER:  "What?  Of course I did!  I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"

HELPLINE:  "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER:  "How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE:  "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14.  The pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER:  "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

HELPLINE:  "Of course not.  What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

***********************************************************
HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person!  I just want to go places in my car!"



 

Tech Support Hell

This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning he computer screen to face the printer --but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After asking if the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.  Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. (Does this woman sew??)

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in.." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

10. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.  Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

***At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. Another true story:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and you will find a list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!



Lou's First Computer

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great, Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-400, with 64 Megs of RAM, a 18-Gig hard drive, and a 48X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I'm here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: Yes! I heard that you're a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know . . .
Costello: Yessir-EE. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how
               you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then . . .
Costello: No, I told you I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button . . .
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop?
Abbott: Well, Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbott: Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press . . .
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button
                and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the "Start" to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.



Useful Metric Conversions:

 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
 10 cards = 1 decacards
 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
 10 rations = 1 decoration
 100 rations = 1 C-ration
 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
 2 monograms = 1 diagram
 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
 2 wharves = 1 paradox



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