Lots More Below
As heard on the John DeBella Show
John's Favorite Christmas Carols
1. "Santa doesn't like
you, Little Timmy"
2. "Help, Help, my tongue is stuck to the mailbox"
3. "Aunt Frances is sleeping in your bed for the holidays"
4. "Oh Holy Christ, when will it all end?"
5. "Get out of my house, you alcoholic bastard"
6. "Did we forget you again, this Christmas?"
7. "Joy, it's my turn to check the lights on the tree"
8. "Let's dress the dog up like a reindeer and throw her off the roof"
9. "Twas the night I'll regret for the rest of my life"
10. "Jingle This"
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CHANUKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS
10. There's no "Kathie Lee Gifford Chanukah Special".
9. Eight days of presents (in theory anyway).
8. No need to clean the chimney.
7. There's no latke-nog.
6. Burl Ives does not sing Chanukah songs.
5. You won't be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown".
3. No barking dog version of "I Had a Little Driedl".
2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterward.
1. Blintzes are easier to mail than fruitcakes!
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
10. "I'm down here"
9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
Old Saint Nicholette?
I think Santa Claus is a woman..... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but most men would say it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possible be a man:
Men can't pack a bag
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men
....Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite
....Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
....Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song", it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is... I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
A Christmas Story
Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many others adorned the walls of the family estate.
The widowed elder man looked on with satisfaction as his only child became an experienced art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors around the world.
As winter approached, war engulfed the nation, and the young man left to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his son again. Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic.
Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season- a season that he and his son had so looked forward to-would visit his house no longer.On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home.
As he opened the door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand. He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a few moments? I have something to show you." As the two began to talk, the solider told of how the man's son had told everyone of his-not to mention his father's- love of fine art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you this."
As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to reveal a portrait of the man's son. Though the world would never consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young man's face in striking detail. Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the solider, promising to hang the picture above the fireplace.
A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then the man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he had been given.
During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on because of those he had touched. He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and satisfaction began to ease the grief. The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had ever received.
The following spring, the old man became ill and passed away. The art world was in anticipation. With the collector's passing, and his only son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on Christmas day, the day he had received his greatest gift. The day soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid on some of the world's most spectacular paintings. Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as many would claim "I have the greatest collection."
The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid. The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked. Minutes passed. No one spoke.
From the back of the room came, "Who cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer. "Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man spoke. "Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I knew the boy, so I'd like to have it." "I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer. After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice. Gone." The gavel fell. Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with it and we can bid on these treasures!"
The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and asked, "What do you mean it's over? We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son, What about all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I demand that you explain what's going on here!." The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of the father, whoever takes the son..gets it all."
Puts things into perspective, doesn't it? Just as those art collectors discovered on that Christmas day, the message is still the same-the love of a Father-a Father whose greatest joy came from his son who went away and gave his life rescuing others. And because of that Father's love..whoever takes the Son gets it all.
Top Ten Least Beloved Holiday TV Specials
10."The Grinch Who Stole Grandpa's Heart Medication"
9."The World's Bloodiest Furby Riots"
8."It's An Even More Wonderful Life If You're Rich"
7."For The Love Of God And Everything Holy, Change Your Shirt, Charlie Brown"
6."Hanukkah With Monica"
5."Emeril Lagasse Spit-Roasts Blitzen Live"
4."Ernest Borgnine's Mistletoe Kiss-A-Palooza"
3."The House Of Representatives' Impeachment Proceeding And Holiday Hoe-Down"
2."Kenneth Starr Subpoenas Santa Claus"
Barbie & Ken Speak
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being
Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in
fake Chanel at sappy tea parties.
I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but it's payback time. There
had better be
some changes around hear or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and
trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it.
These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking
hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have
nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to
get him, bring
me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a
boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct.
Give me arms that
actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctors and school teachers don't make real money.
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete
with a pint of
cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think
I deserve a piece of
the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I
think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find
yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned
changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were
me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues
Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES
deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That
bitch has everything.
Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys: Ann & Andy, have
dream-houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not
even have the ability to change our hairstyle.
I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but
upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was
immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative
Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon
Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be considered are:
"Go-Go Ken", "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood
Ken". These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open
up markets that have been under-served.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away",
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would
also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while
needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action
to be taken by myself and others.
And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine,
least that's what he said last night.
Holiday Parking Lot Rules
If you pass an open spot,
you cannot ‘back-up’ to get it. Once it’s passed, it’s a free spot again.
(There is no "Posner" option)
People who walk to their
cars to put packages away, must let cars waiting for that spot know what their
intentions are. Don’t make them wait, when you knew all along that you were
not leaving, but just putting away packages.
When you get into your car
to leave & people are waiting for your spot. You must leave within two minutes
(no calls, no make-up....JUST LEAVE!)
Taking up more than one
spot is strictly prohibited!
If two cars are waiting
for the same parking spot, the car that arrived 1st gets the spot. Regardless
if the car backing out of the spot blocks the car that arrived 1st from
entering right away.
If you pull into a open
spot and find out that the spot in front of you is open as well and there is
no parking blocks, you can not pull forward.
No ‘backing’ into parking
If two people arrive at an
open parking space at the same time, the first one to use their turn signal
Going the wrong way in
parking lots with ‘One-Ways’ is strictly prohibited.
When waiting for a parking
spot to open, you must give the person backing out enough room to do so.
You are responsible for
your OWN shopping cart! RETURN it. Do not leave it in a parking spot or where
it can damage other cars.
You are not allowed to let
your kids run through the lot looking for an open space so that they can stand
in it and save it for you. In these cases we are allowed to gently nudge the
child out of the way.
People with handicapped
plates on their car shouldn’t let their 17 year old daughter use the vehicle
just so that she and her friends can park right next to the mall.
If you have a motorcycle,
don’t take up a whole space.
If you have a very, very
small car, don’t pull it all the way in. Leave your back bumper out there even
with the other big cars. Sometimes we think we see an open space and drive
crazy to get their only to find one of those little Foreign jobs.
Follow the arrows.
If the space says that it’s for a compact car, don’t put your
Christmas Wrapping Paper For Men
Can you name these Christmas Songs?
Answers found below.
1. Approach Everyone Who
2. Ecstacy Toward The Orb
3. Hush, The Foretelling Spirits Harmonize
4. Hey, Miniscule Urban Area Southwest Of Jerusalem
5. Quiescent Nocturnal Period
6. The Autocratic Troika Originating Near the Accent of Apollo
7. The Primary Carol
8. Embellish The Corridors
9. I Apprehended My Maternal Parent Osculating with a Corpulent, Unshaven Male in Crimson Disguise
10. I'm Fantasizing Concerning a Blanched Yuletide
11. My Singular Desire For The Impending Yuletide Season Is Receipt Of A Pair Of Central Incisors.
12. During the Time Ovine Caretakers Supervised Their Charges Past Twilight
13. Celestial Messengers From Splendid Empires.
14. The Thing Manifest Itself at the Onset of a Transparent Day
15. The Tatterdemalion Ebony Atmosphere
16. The Coniferous Nativity
17. What Offspring Abides Thus?
18. Removed in a Bovine Feeding Trough
19. Creator Cool It Ya Kooky Cats
20. Seraphim We Aurally Detect in the Stratosphere
21. Valentino, The Roseate Proboscissed Wapati
22. Father Christmas Approaches the Metropolis
23. Ag Glockenspiels
24. The Slight Percussionist Lad
25. The Antelered Quadruped With The Cerise Proboscis.
26. The Event Occurred At One Minute After 11:59 PM-Visibility Unlimited.
27. Ornament The Enclosure With Large Sprigs Of A Berry-bearing Evergreen.
28. Anticipation Of This Noel's Memento's: Nil.
29. The Approach Of The Holiday Commemorating The Birth Of Christ Is Becoming Evident.
30. During the Dark Hours When Herdsman Attended Their Charges.
31. A Trio of Non-Occidental Potentates Is Our Identity.
32. A Meteorological Melody Is Manifest.
33. The Yuletide's Diurnal Dozen.
34. Please Permit Pristine Precipitation.
35. 'Rimey', The Mannikin of Crystalline H2O.
36. Our Desire Is Your Yuletide Cheer.
37. Aged Matriarch Plowed Under By Preciptious Darlings.
38. Are You Experiencing Parallel Auditory Input?
39. Endeavor to personally experience singular, miniscule Yule!
-------- Answers ---------
1. O Come All Ye
2. Joy To The World
3. Hark, The Herald Angels Sing
4. O Little Town of Bethlehem
5. Silent Night
6. We Three Kings
7. The First Noel
8. Deck The Halls
9. I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Clause
10. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
11. All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth
12. While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night
13. Angels from the Realms of Glory
14. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
15. O Holy Night
16. O Christmas Tree
17. What Child is This?
18. Away in a Manger
19. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
20. Angels We Have Heard On High
21. Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer
22. Santa Claus is Coming To Town
23. Silver Bells
24. The Little Drummer Boy
25. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
26. It came upon a Midnight Clear
27. Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly
28. I'm getting nothing for Christmas
29. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
30. While Shepherds watched their Flocks by Night
31. We Three Kings
32. There's a Song in the Air
33. The Twelve Days of Christmas
34. Let it Snow
35. Frosty, the Snowman
36. We Wish you a Merry Christmas
37. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
38. Do You Hear What I Hear?
39. Have Yourselves a Merry Little Christmas
The Christmas Specials Drinking Game!
All you need are a bottle of your favorite booze, a TV, and a Lay-Z-Boy. Grab the remote and start flipping.
Take One Drink When:
--You see a network show promoting their Christmas special. (Two drinks if you see any cast member wearing a Santa hat.)
--A liquor ad containing reindeer, Santa Clauses, or 'sexy' Ms. Clauses comes on.
--You tune in to 'It's A Wonderful Life' during the same scene you tune in to every damn year. ('Merry Christmas movie house!')
Take Two Drinks When:
--You hear any part of a BURL IVES song. ('Holly Jolly Christmas' and others. You'll know him when you hear him.)
--A Charlie Brown Christmas is on.
(Take an extra drink if someone in the room mentions that CHARLIE SCHULTZ is dead.)
--A musician's holiday album is advertised.
(The more obscure the musician, the more you drink: If it's 'N Sync, one drink. ZAMFIR, three drinks.)
Do a Shot When:
--A network holds a 'Christmas Movie Marathon' that includes at least one of the following:
'Jingle All the Way,' 'Miracle on 34th Street,' or 'National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.'
--When you hear, 'Chi-chi-chi-CHIA!'
--A sportscaster uses some holiday-related phrases in his critique
(i.e., 'What do the Patriots want from Santa this year?).
Do Two Shots When:
--A network crams a menorah into an otherwise Christmas-heavy ad in order to appease Jewish viewers
--You see a Kwanza special.
--You hear that Band-Aid Christmas song
('Do they know it's Christmas time /Feed the Wo-o-o-rld /Let them know it's Christmas time...')
Drink Entire Bottle When:
--MARTHA STEWART holiday decorating tips start making sense.
The 4 Levels of Festivity
Festivity Level 1:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2:
Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and
wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3:
Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other
peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors
d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see
what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4:
Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is eggnog.
John's Holiday Party Rules
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!!
Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread
tips: start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the
grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,
martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming "WOO- HOO what a ride!"
Production and design by DeBella World Industries®
©1993 -2005 DWI®
All Rights Reserved